the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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