i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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