if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I am mentally ready for anal.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
