I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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