Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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