Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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