He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Lo siento on account of my penis...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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