Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
