After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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