Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
