dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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