At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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