That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
What a dumb baby whore.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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