I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
