escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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