I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Randomize
