stop calling my apartment porn island.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
