Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
