I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
