I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
