checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
