Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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