You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
