Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize