i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
