She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
