Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
