I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
