Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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