plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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