Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
