dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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