Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Alive.
So much puke
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
