I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
