Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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