My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
