i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
