I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Randomize
