This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
