my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
