Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
