Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Ladies don't puke and tell
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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