shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I AM VODKA MAN
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
