..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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