I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i wish my penis had a tongue
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize