I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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