Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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