I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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