I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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