my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
