It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
