I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Randomize
