she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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