I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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