he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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