This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize