Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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