I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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